Listen & Just Be There!

Most individuals complain that they don't feel like the people in their lives fully listen! So I thought I would dedicate a whole section on listening. As far as I'm concerned communication is very important in ALL relationships. To develop good listening skills, you must practice active listening, which involves giving the speaker your full attention and showing you understand what they are saying. You need to be mindful of the non verbal communication, ask questions and empathize with the speaker.

How to Actively listen: The Three (3) R's! Repeat, Reflect and Respond

1) Full Attention - No distractions (phones, television, music or outside noises)

2) Show you are listening -  Use body language, facial expressions and look them in the eye

3) Engage and ask questions - Ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand what they are saying.

4) Provide Feedback - Regular feedback is important to show you understand what they are saying.

5) Respond appropriately - Be honest, and candid in your response

Non-Verbal Communication - Sometimes what you "DON'T" can be more detrimental

1) Be aware of facial expressions - What you on your face can say more than actual words

2) Be aware of gestures - This would be talking with you hands, slamming down your hands and rolling your eyes.

3) Body language - Putting your head back, resting your head in your hands, etc. This could say it all! Give an attitude

Be empathetic, try to understand their emotions, have a good attitude going into the conversation, pay attention and be willing to adjust to the situation.

One time my mother asked my father to go to the store. She said Honey could you please go to the store and get a jar of baby pickles for a recipe I need. He was busy watching television and said sure honey! He got up and went to the store. When he came home he had a huge bag which was funny in itself because she only asked for one thing. He put the bag on the table and went back into the living room. Mom took the items out and the jar of baby pickles was now where to be found. In the conversation my father heard please pick up baby food, pickles and paper towels. She had a good laugh and was thankful he heard pickles. LOL

Exercises To Do - Telephone" practice

Exercise One

This exercise helps you to develop the skill of asking questions and requesting information to clarify your understanding.

1.) Choose a volunteer and take a pen and paper.

2.) Ask your partner to choose from a set of images, but not let you see the image they choose.

3.) Take five minutes to ask as many questions as you wish about the image. Your partner can answer them and describe the image.

4.) Draw the image, based on what you’ve heard.

5.) After five minutes, stop and compare what you’ve drawn with the actual image. What went right? What went wrong?

Listen without interrupting

Exercise Two serves two main purposes:

The first is to help you quell the urge to interject with your own comments in gaps in a conversation. The second is to shift your internal dialogue and focus from yourself and what you wish to say next, onto the speaker and what they’re telling you.

1.) Find a quiet place where you and a volunteer can speak without distractions.

2.) Create a list of topics or conversation starters

3.) Let your volunteer pick one.

4.) Ask them to talk about it for four minutes.

5.) Listen to them, without interrupting or interjecting. Think about the key takeaways, the main themes, what matters most to the speaker, and what interests you most.

6.) After four minutes, stop the speaker, and share what you think you heard the speaker say.

7.) Give them the opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings.

The 3 Whys Exercise

When someone doesn’t share our views, it’s tempting to dismiss the opposing viewpoint. The ‘three whys’ exercise encourages you to dig deeper when someone expresses a view conflicting with your own so that you understand the person and their perspective better.

1.) Create a list of topics or statements, and ask a volunteer to pick one.

2.) Ask them to state their belief about that topic or statement

3.) Ask them why they believe the thing that they believe.

4.) When they reply, ask them the reason for their explanation. Soften the statement to make it seem less direct, instead of repeatedly asking ‘Why?’, which can come across aggressive or even child-like. An example would be ‘Why would you feel this way?’

5.) Repeat this process one more time.

Listen first, speak second

Non partner Exercise

You don’t need a partner for this exercise, just a quiet place to think. The ‘listen first’ exercise will help you to develop a listening mindset. Rather than entering meetings to speak, you’re entering them to listen first. Then you’ll switch to the role of the speaker.

1.) Think of a regular meeting in your schedule in which you interact with another colleague.

2.) Visualise yourself entering the meeting intending to listen first. You might use questions such as ‘Have there been any developments since we last spoke?’

3.) Imagine yourself asking questions for clarification, for more information, or for confirmation of the speaker’s meaning.

4.) Keep rehearsing until you form a clear picture of yourself listening actively.

5.) Reflect on how active listening would benefit you and your relationship with this person, and also on practical steps, you could take at the next meeting.

6.) Write all of this down to reinforce it in your mind.

7.) Follow up on what you’ve written, by implementing it in the next meeting

Emotional Intelligence Exercise

To become an effective listener, we must build our emotional intelligence.

1.) Find a quiet place and think of a recent discussion that triggered strong emotions in you.

2.) Write these emotions down.

3.) Ask yourself why you responded in an emotional manner. Which statement triggered your response? Did any of the other person’s non-verbal expressions or gestures cause it?

4.) If you experienced anger, fear, or similar emotion, and it stopped you from thinking clearly, visualize yourself avoiding saying anything that could damage the other person. Acknowledge the emotion.

5.) Now imagine yourself back in the discussion, but this time asking an open-ended question relating to the emotion. For example, if the person offended you, you might ask ‘That’s a strong opinion. How did you come to that point of view?’ This allows you to gain more information.

"We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less." - Diogenes